Fears (17.03.2003 - 1:11 p.m.)
Went to do some shopping today and pick up a letter that hadn't been delivered due to a lack of stamps, and while I was on the bus I started thinking about my fear and figured I should write about it.
First of all I suppose I ought to tell you what my fear is of. I have a fear of being sick. I haven't been sick in over 7 years, and it's so bad I would rather die than vomit. I'm taking tablets at the moment which are helping, but the main problem was starting to take them, because I was worried they might make me ill. It's been the same with travelling for the past 5 or 6 years. Although I've never been travel sick, I panic, and start to feel ill. For this reason I have avoided travelling anywhere for pretty much the past 5 years.
If I get bored I often start to think about it and start panicking, and feeling ill. What's worse is it's something I really don't have any control over, and I am really scared a lot of the time. Like I said it has been better lately, the tablets are working, but there was a time when I was afraid to walk merely because I had felt ill whilst walking once.
It's also cause me problems with eating, and I guess it's still the reason I can't eat a full meal in one go, because I feel too bloated and panic. I prefer to snack constantly than to have meals, because I never get too full.
I know the tablets aren't going to solve the problem, and I asked my GP to refer me to a psychiatrist, which I'm hoping will help. I honestly can't see how it will, but I know I need help because otherwise it will take over my life. In many ways it already has, and it certainly did for one year. I'm a lot happier now than I was then though, I have Bonnie, and I have my own place. Once I get a job it'll be the only real problem I have left.