Insomnia (16.04.2003 - 11:04 p.m.)
I thought I'd do another one of those deep and meaningful entries today, so here goes.
Well, this entry is about the time I spent suffering from severe insomnia. I must have had the problem for about a year and a half. I've never slept well, not even as a child, but it got really bad for that year, I was gettin 1 hour or less sleep a night for a year. I remember once I hadn't slept at all for 5 days, and I was hearing things.
When you can't sleep you feel like shit. Everyone knows they feel crap when they haven't slept, but unless you've suffered from insomnia you can't know how it feels. It's not just feeling tired, it's feeling ill, it's being unable to concentrate on anything, it's like living in a dream world. It causes a lack of caring. You do things but you're on autopilot, you don't pay attention to them. Memories are a blur, vague and with days, even weeks merging together. You become paranoid, anxious and jittery.
I was really abusive when I was an insomniac. I used to insult people, including my friend, perpetually. I used to get annoyed with anything, but in a halfhearted unable to be arsed way. Fortunatly all my friends took it in good humour, and I guess they could tell how fucked I felt. I looked fucked that's for sure, people thought I was on smack.
My mother was constantly accusing me of being on drugs. Constantly having a go at me about something, no matter how insignificant. Of course I didn't care, half the time I couldn't remember what she was having a go at me about a minute after she started. All it served to do was make me angry, which didn't help me sleep either.
I remember I tried to strangle someone in the 6th Form common room one time. He was pretending to be sick, and I asked him to stop it (because of my fear of being sick, and as I wasn't sleeping and that was making me anxious and paranoid the fear was a lot worse at this point). However he then continued to do with for the sole purpose of annoying me, which it most certainly did. I jumped across a table and started to strangle him. I did a lot of things when I was an insomniac that I would never have done normally. I said a lot of things I shouldn't have, and yet people forgave me for it. I often wonder why, I didn't really deserve their forgivness. But that's in the past now.
I also often wonder what caused it in the first place. I guess I've always had the potential to become and insomniac, and guess there's always a chance it could come back. I never slept well as a child, largely due to my mother, father and step father and the bullying and hating myself. In many ways being an insomniac was fun, I could get away with doing or saying anything, because I didn't care about the consequences, and life was like a half reality, not mattering. But I am happy now, I have no reason to want things to be vague and lacking detail, because I love Bonnie and my life is great. I want to remember every moment of my time with her.