Guilty (28.04.2003 - 4:51 a.m.)
It's been a while since I've updated and that's because I'm lazy I guess. Haven't felt like doing much lately. But I guess I should write about how I'm feeling right now rather than regail you with reasons for my lack of updating.
I've been feeling pretty guilty tonight. I remembered how I treated Bonnie when she first moved in with me. It was really shitty when I look back on it, although at the time it didn't seem it. I never intended to treat her badly, and I didn't realise I was at the time, I just didn't know how to react to people and take their emotions into account properly. I didn't understand how things I said would really affect her, because for some reason I thought they were the right things to say. I guess this is all down to my upbringing, and my complete lack of compassion or caring about my mother and the rest of my family. I never learnt the basic emotional intelligence, and as a result my functionality in a relationship was pathetic to say the least.
I can now see how shit I was, because after being with Bonnie for 4 months now, I have developed a lot, and I understand her a lot more than I used to. I really try to treat her the best I can, and assuming she's being honest when she says I'm great now compared to how I used to be, I treat her really well. Which is all I want to do, because she is a lovely person and she deserves to be treated wonderfully, and she's had enough maltreatment in the past. I don't want to add to that.
I want to be the person who makes up for everything shit that's happened to her. I want to be the one to make her happy, and help her get over her fears and hangups. I love her with all my heart, and I've always loved her, just I was unable to show it in the past, and I'll always feel guilty for that.