Feeling apathetic (04.05.2003 - 18:38)
I'm not getting any better. If I don't start being more motivated soon Bonnie is going to get fed up of me. I don't know what's wrong with me though :( I'm feeling kind of depressed aswell. The two things are probably self perpetuating. Bonnie is going to think that it's her fault that I'm depressed, or that she isn't making me happy enough. But she really is, she's the best girlfriend I could ever ask for. I'm just prone to depression, and I always have been. I probably always will be too.
I wasn't going to write this because I know how it's going to make Bonnie feel, and I wish she wasn't so sensitive, not for my sake but for hers. I don't want her to get upset because I'm feeling depressed. It's not her fault. I'm infinitely happier now than I was before I was with her.
I don't know how to make myself better though, the tablets I'm on at the moment are helping with my anxiety, but they're not helping with my feelings of self worth. If it weren't for Bonnie I really think I would kill myself. I'm so glad I have her though, because she makes my life worth living.
I'm not sure how she's going to react when she reads this, probably in a bad way but I had to write this. I really hope it doesn't upset her because I don't want it to. That is obviously not my intention, because I love her more than anything.