Let it go (16.12.2003 - 05:41)
Another sleepless night has passed. I feel like total shit, aside from the fact I've picked up another nasty cold from being in Blackpool the other day (a story I'll come to in a minute), I've run out of my meds and now I'm getting nasty withdrawl symptoms too.
I spent all night feeling really restless, unable to move, angry as hell, and then 30 seconds later almost crying, then 30 seconds later back to angry, then sad again. Needless to say it hasn't been a fun night, and the annoying thing is I know if I don't get some more tablets these symptoms (and my head feeling shit, my limbs feeling odd etc) will continue to get worse for at least another 10 days. Already it's looking like I'm going to have another wonderful christmas.
To top all this off I have no tobacco, and no money, and I haven't had a smoke in over 36 hours. Oh yeah and once again an effort to try and do something right has only ended up in people thinking I'm a cunt. I told my mate from Blackpool's wife (who I was visiting) about what James (remember the guy who left me in shit? he's staying with my friend in Blackpool now) had been bullshitting about. In short, James claims to have slept with Chris, which I'm pretty damn sure is another one of his constant lies. He also claims to have slept with Mitch (who was also there). Eitherway Mitch and Dawn weren't best pleased with him, but I get back and now Chris is accusing me of disrespecting him in his own house after he was hospitable to me, and of lying about James. Bang goes another friend. How many does that make that I've lost in the past fucking month?
I seriously don't know why I'm bothering, if people are going to be so fucking gullible that they can't see when someone is telling the truth because they're so fucking used to believing lies then I might as well not even try.
Little by little I seem to be managing to destroy my life unintentionally. Oh and what a wonderful christmas I shall have. I have noone to spend it with, I will have no presents (which doesn't bother me in itself but everyone I know will be all happy about whatever it is they've got).
I remember last christmas, I sat in my house, missing Bonnie after she had to go back to Shrewsbury, not knowing if I'd ever get to see her again. Drinking whisky. Didn't see or speak to a single person that day. The last time I properly saw Gary was in that house :( The only time I saw him after that was once in passing here in Barrow.
What a great year it's been. Let the tears run.